I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
