I could make wine with my vomit
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
