I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I want a musical about memes.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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