every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
