I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
