I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
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You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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