Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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