toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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