Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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