i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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