I think im going to throw up on grandma
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
