her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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