Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
