My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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