Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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