He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
