Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
