I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
