I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
