and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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You're like the curious george of whores
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
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