Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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