Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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