you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
