When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
