dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
