I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
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He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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