; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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