i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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