Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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