Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
