My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
