I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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