When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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