I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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