The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
