remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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