So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
