just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
