Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
