Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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