she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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