He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
