I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
