Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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