Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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