I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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