Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
