Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
