yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
