Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was like eating out sand paper
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
