Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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