I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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