life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
