Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
